Louisa Kelley

Fantastical Tales of Uncommon Romance

Annette and the Vampire will have to wait…because I went to see New Moon yesterday and just have to comment. Watching from the perspective of a paranormal romance writer is perhaps different than as a fan of Stephanie Meyer’s books. Many times I wanted to throw something at the screen and shout “Pacing! Pick up the pacing you idiots!” Errggh! The movie consisted mostly of long facial closeups of moody, sullen, broody, anguished, depressed or all of the above main characters. I don’t think Bella or Edward spoke more than 2 sentences at a time EVER. And when Edward spoke, it was in a mumble that I’m sure the director meant to sound all hot and moody but only sounded like he had mush in his mouth. So, I also wanted to shout “Speak up damn it!” And Bella was so obviously a total head case, (cliff diving in a near suicide jump into freezing Washington coastal waters, sitting isolated and depressed in a chair in her room for months on end, having to be rescued from a night on the ground in the forest all curled up in a little depressed ball etc etc etc ) – it was unbelievable that her family didn’t drag her to counseling or put her on meds immediately. She’d wake up screaming night after night and we never heard her father ask once “What are your dreams about? Why are you so afraid?”  And when finally her father tells her he’s ‘concerned’ and wants to send her to Florida to be with her mother, she placates him with a ‘I’m going shopping now.” Oh, right! Going shopping! Everything’s all better! Despite the fact that she still wakes up screaming every night!

Bella never cracks a smile, never looks happy, not even when people are giving her presents on her 18th birthday. She’s ungrateful, self-obsessed and clearly, clinically and chronically depressed.

The editing from scene to scene was sloppy, jumpy and many times the shift in the narrative didn’t make any sense at all. If you haven’t seen the first movie yet, you won’t have a CLUE about what is going on…And how about all that lipstick on Edward, huh? What’s up with that? None of the other male vampires plow on the lipstick like he does. I mean, lipstick on Vampires? Give me a break!
If I were a 13 year old girl, I would probably love this movie.  All that depressed angst over tortured love feeds into adolescent daydreams like catnip to kittens. But as a writer of paranormal romance, I can’t recommend it. Bella is just too mentally sick, a lousy heroine for young girls, and the film moves at a glacial, utterly incomprehensible pace.

On the upside, these teenage girls are the future readers of adult (much better and much hotter) paranormal romance. So as lousy as the movie was, I’m glad vampires are still making the news.  Bodes well for the future of paranormal romance writers!